My name is Roger Smith and, as soon as I find my pants, I’m running for president. Of the United States. Of America. I’ve got some solutions to the nation's problems that I’ve been been developing ever since lunch. Fight unemployment: Deport the poor. This is the bold plan we need. Other candidates say they don’t care about the very poor. ANYone can not care about the poor. But who’s got the courage to put them on a raft? We can make America rich again. Only rich. And illegal immigration is also a very personal issue to me, because I really enjoy getting high on cheap drugs from Mexico. We need to ensure that all immigrants bring primo product state-side. We need to double the border police to make sure that nothing gets across that isn't quality stuff. This campaign isn’t about me. It’s about me finding something to do while Glee is in reruns. You’ve watched the debates. You think those guys are nuts? I’ll show you nuts. So, Twitter, Facebook, blogs, merch, God, America, where am I?Shhh... Can we do this in a whisper? Jack Daniels & I did a little capoeira last night. But it’s a good question. Strong question. I like the cut of your jib. Sorry if I’m a little rambling. It’s the bourbon talking. And the bourbon is chatty. What was the question again? Why should I win? Good question. Strong question. I like the cut of your jib. Let me just stab myself in the knee. AAAH!! Okay! I’m awake. Why should I win? Have you read my twitter @rogersmith2012? Have you?? Because I haven’t, I really can’t get that thing to work. I can post stuff, but I can’t find anything that I post. Let me ask Paul to help. He’s my tech guy. Okay, he’s my dealer. And his name is Neal Babcock. But look at that! He found my posts! Thanks, Neal Babcock. You can run and play. Let’s find some good ones: “Partied with #republicans after #convention. Lost my wallet in#ChrisChristie." “Bring a friend to vote. I did. And his name is Flask." “I just won in Iowa! It's true, look it up! Okay, don't. But I did." Arianna? Honey, it’s the Shorty people. What’s that? Yeah, they probably get that all the time... What? She says to check outhuffingtonpost.com/rogersmith. I’ve been blogging. I’m a blogger. I blog. Arianna! Don’t touch that. Okay, just a little. I’ve got time for a shorty. Merchandise? Holy crap, we’ve got it -- foxshop.com/rogersmith2012. Other candidates make promises. I sell them to you. Shirts, bumber stickers, flasks, posters. I’m also having a garage sale next Saturday. I’ve got some old sneakers and a plasticware. Just one. Just one plasticware. Facebook and I have a complicated history. Sure, my memes are beloved -- http://bit.ly/rogerhorsebayonet -- but on the other hand, I bought shares at $38. And now I can’t afford the bullets I would need to shoot Jesse Eisenburg. And have you seen the attack ads against me? -- http://bit.ly/rogerattackad -- It’s like Kissinger said: “If they’re out to get you, you must be doing something right." I think that’s what he said. Hard to tell with the accent. We usually just communicate through the physical act of love. During which, oddly, he also has an accent. In summary: I didn't win the election, but If you find it in your sexy hearts to award me this honor, I’ll do whatever you want. Seriously. Anything. I’ll kill. I’ve killed before and will do it again. It doesn’t even slightly bother me. Step-mothers. Reality show hosts. Handsy gym teachers. I’m yours to hire. I totally get politics. Vote for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeUFcrV8e-o http://www.rogersmith2012.com http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rogersmith http://www.foxshop.com/rogersmith2012 http://www.facebook.com/americandad
