What's your best tweet?
If a girl ever tells you that she’s “not that interested,” that means that a girl is talking to you!!
What are six things you could never do without?
Six Flags, six-pack of beer/abs, my sixth sense... those are all the "six" things I can think of right now.
How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
I tweet while I'm at work until my boss catches me and I get fired. Then I use Twitter to find a new job. This continues for quite some time.
What's your favorite Twitter app?
TweetDeck, because I can schedule future tweets. Like for next week when I congratulate myself on a million followers. Better get crackin'.
Twitter or Facebook?
What was the funniest trend you've seen?
I'm a big fan of the #lessambitious
titles of different media. I can tweet those for hours. Unless I'm not feeling particularly ambitious.
What feature should Twitter add?
More prominent cheekbones.
Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
My other personalities. But there are 141 of them. And that's too many characters.
What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
I h8 when ppl turn words like "you" into "U." It loox so unprofesh. 4 real. Learn 2 abbrev.
Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
I think @ConanOBrien
would enjoy following me. And he only follows 1 person so it would be a real honor. Unlike all those fake honors I have.
Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I can't remember who. Or why. Or if I unfollowed them or not.
Why should we vote for you?
I'd like to think that my tweets speak for themselves. But that's impossible. Because I write them. Without me, my tweets are nothing.
Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
"I nominate @patton_josh
for a Shorty Award in #humor
because..." That was a shameless plug. No, a shameful plug. I feel just awful about it.
What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
I met my wife on Twitter. In fact we got married on Twitter. She said, "I do." And I retweeted her.
Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
How do you make your tweets unique?
What inspires you to tweet?
Honestly, I just want to make the entire world laugh. Dishonestly, want to buy this Rolexx?
Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Yes. By one person. Who is dead now. To me. And to everyone else because he is really dead.
140 characters of advice for a new user?
I would have to say, if you've just signed up for Twitter, then there is really only one thing you MUST know and that is never run out of roo
How long can you go without a tweet?
I tweeted three times while answering this question. So I'd say... about a while.
What question are we not asking here that we should?
Well I haven't read all the questions yet, so I guess I'll just skip this for now and come back to it later. Crap I hit Submit!
How do you imagine Twitter changing?
I imagine it evolving into a giant bird of prey. And then no amount of over-tweeting can stop it. It will carry that whale BY ITSELF!
Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
My grandma actually asked me to sign her up for Twitter so she could vote for me to win the Shorty Award. I thought that was very admirable.
Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
@MarylandMudflap. I don't really know who he is. @pattonoswalt
RTed him once and I laughed so I followed. Still laugh. Still follow.
What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
Ashton Kutcher created it.
Why should people follow you?
Two words: you won't regret it.
Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@oneofakind, @1ofakind, @one_of_a_KIND
How do you decide what to tweet?
I'm a good judge of what will make people laugh. I'm also a good judge of how to sentence criminals. Didn't even go to college neither.
Why'd you start tweeting?
I lost a bet. Just kidding. I won the bet. It was a strange bet. Especially for strip poker.
Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
Well, when I signed up for Twitter I was a heterosexual white male. And now... still a heterosexual white male. But I did lose 3 lbs. So yes.
What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
How will the world change in the next year?
A lot of people will have babies. A lot of people will die. I'm not sure which one I'd rather do yet. I guess I'll try both.
What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Some big Twitter slips or blunders in etiquette, manners, or conduct; embarrassing social blunders or indiscretions.
What will the world be like 10 years from now?
Mayans right: A scorched, ruined wasteland filled with zombies. Mayans wrong: A scorched, ruined wasteland filled with guilty zombies.