What's your best tweet?
"Even if Joe Haden has tight coverage on Mike Wallace tonight, you can always count on Ben Roethlisberger to force it into small holes."
What are six things you could never do without?
Bourbon, sex, marijuana, #fantasyfootball, the NFL, coffee
How do you use Twitter in your professional life?
Normally I would refrain from this acronym, but I can only say, "LOL".
What's your favorite Twitter app?
I don't use apps. That's so 2011.
Twitter or Facebook?
If I read one more update about a precocious tyke that shit itself at the mall, my head is gonna explode. #FuckFuckerberg
What was the funniest trend you've seen?
In the end, aren't all trends funny? #DeepThoughts
What feature should Twitter add?
Telephone numbers for all dem saucy filles de joie.
Who do you wish had a Twitter feed but doesn't?
What are some words or phrases you refuse to shorten for brevity?
'Your' or 'you're' but I never hesitate to change 'below' to 'blow'. #BoogerSugar #Blowjobs
Is there someone you want to follow you who doesn't already? If so, who?
@RobGronkowski and @FelixJones28 I bet they'd love how much they get mentioned in the feed.
Have you ever unfollowed someone? Who and why?
I unfollowed @errolmorris when I realized that wasn't really a monkey running the account. #Disappointed
Why should we vote for you?
The funniest person on Twitter... when it comes to #fantasyfootball Tweets with allusions to cocaine and esoteric pop culture references.
Terms you wish would start trending on Twitter right now?
#TebowRetires #DogsTalking #AliensAttackDC #RIPTomWolfe
What's the most interesting connection you've made through Twitter?
Hashtag you created that you wish everyone used?
How do you make your tweets unique?
How did Picasso make his paintings unique?
What inspires you to tweet?
Fantasy football. Cocaine.
Ever get called out for tweeting too much?
Not yet. But I'm Kanye Westing it everyday so we'll see.
140 characters of advice for a new user?
Let the whores in.
How long can you go without a tweet?
About as long as I can refrain from drinking. #EightHoursTops
What question are we not asking here that we should?
How the hell does @DaneCook have two million followers?
How do you imagine Twitter changing?
Never change, Twitter. Never. Change.
Who do you admire most for his or her use of Twitter?
You're trying to get me to name names. I won't do it. #HollywoodBlacklist
Who is the funniest person on Twitter that you follow?
I can't follow myself.
What is one of the biggest misconceptions of Twitter?
That it's all losers in their parents' basements who smoke weed and play video games. That's only like two-thirds true. I rent.
Why should people follow you?
Can you name some one-of-a-kind Twitter accounts that you follow?
@Chet_G @PFF_MikeClay @Senor_Cash @Nude_Tayne @RotoPat @pwnteam @TOFantasySports @DLFootball @RumfordJohnny @FantasyDouche
How do you decide what to tweet?
I just read about fantasy football when I'm stoned and then let my fingers do the dancing.
Why'd you start tweeting?
Trying to be funny. I should finish up soon.
Has Twitter changed your life? If yes, how?
I had no reason to get out of bed until I started the Twitter account.
What do you wish people would do more of on Twitter?
How will the world change in the next year?
More inflation, more wars, more injuries for Felix Jones
What are some big Twitter faux pas?
Never step in on a conversation. Unless one of the people is a real idiot. #Facts
What will the world be like 10 years from now?
I don't care. I'll still be drunk.
Take the Shorty Interview at Shorty Awards, the awards honoring the best of social media.